My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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