I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
