DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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