We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
