I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
