she was so not down for the gang bang
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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