I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
