I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Randomize
