I'm passing your future prison.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
whose parrot is this?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
