Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
