I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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