I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
