My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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