Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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