Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
