she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So here I am, sexting at work.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
