Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
