If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
