So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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