If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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