Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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