The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
