Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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