Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
