I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
