I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
