New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
