thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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