how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
