We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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