So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So squirting runs in the family.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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