tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
