well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
