the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
