My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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