Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have tasted many bathrooms
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
