and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You have to summon your inner elephant
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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