I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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