I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
