no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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