My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
