I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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