Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
