yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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