I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
