How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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