I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
