My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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