I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
