someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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