I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think my vagina is haunted
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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