he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
