you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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