She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
