It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
