You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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