When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
