you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
