My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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