Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
