this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
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FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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