Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Randomize
